心向快乐第一季

标题来自于Mae在她现实中的stand up comedy opening中最喜欢说的一句话，很可爱也很讽刺。

剧情本身就是女同爱上直女之后的爱恨纠缠，剧情以外有趣的东西可就太多了。

Childhood matters (Google Scholar)

Mae在表演中“吐槽”过很多次她的家庭，让我印象比较深的一个是她模仿她妈妈（为什么不能添加视频烦）

她和她妈妈聊天说觉得自己成年人生活“flat”，妈妈：“大概因为你很久没吸毒也没对任何人上瘾了。”然后她开始模仿父母一边开第五瓶酒一边谈论着自己的孩子说不知道孩子怎么长成这样是遗传了谁。（来源：Netflix Mae Martin专辑）我不知道Mae对自己的童年定义到底是快乐还是不快乐，但我觉得她既然选择用这句话做开场，一定是有所思考的。

We all need a little addiction to get through this fucking miserable life. Her addiction is love relationships and straight women.

她本人也是性取向流动性的行走代言人。油管有很多采访，当然还有她自己的演出里都有提到，她觉得自己不符合LGBT任何一个角色，并且认为这样的标签很无趣。20岁之前的她，有过小男友，20-30是和女孩子们度过的美好时光，现在30出头又重新开始与男性约会, she really is something else!

（我很喜欢的一本相关话题的书： //www.douban.com/note/718891946/ ）

能够把自己的生活搬上银幕，让无数观众产生共鸣，不是才华是什么？

Lisa Kudrow

看过《老友记》的人都不会对Phoebe这个角色无印象。剧中大部分时间Lisa都是在电话视频里出现，就零星几句台词，我仿佛看到了我爱的那个神经质却有原则的Phoebe，也是六个人里我最爱的角色。

In case you never watched Friends, let me tell you what I love about Phoebe Buffay. She had two moms and a dad. One mom killed herself when she was 13, another showed up in her life until she was 26 and dad went to prison. Yet she turned out fine. The society failed her, but she chose not to revenge. She had seen the worst in humanity but still loves the world as it is. This is the true heroism.

George.

16岁对同性一无所知的我真的就是用互联网自学成才。12岁可以用网络来自学英文，对于爱情又何尝不可？22岁的我在感情中遇到问题时，仍然会向Google求助。

在她身上我看到了我第一任女友&初恋的影子，在所有人面前我永远都是她的“朋友”。

用我最喜欢的两句台词结尾

Love really does make people Feel Good.

Now, What's your addiction?

本来是听说老友记里的Phoebes监制了一部新剧，朋友推荐【英国神经病爱情喜剧】，以为会甜，一口气看了六集，被梅气得吐血，但Phoebes风采依旧。

主线是一个不典型的女同性恋和直女的恋爱探索过程。

不典型是因为梅本身集被宠爱的小公主、复吸边缘的戒毒者、甜蜜奶狗、自我身份怀疑、笑点怪异的脱口秀演员等很多身份于一身。冲动，多愁善感，自卑，喜欢直女更追求得到直女的快感，但她总能给自己找到借口，也根本不会为别人考虑。

第一集末 梅决定对乔治坦白

她习惯把自己置入受害者的场景，偷吃安定是因为乔治让她对自己的身份感到焦虑，和父母关系不好是因为她们把年少的自己狠心赶了出去，害Maggie和女儿lava关系再次崩盘，却只担心自己晚上住在哪。即使到最后也还在说，我从一个东西转移到另一个东西，并没有意识到乔治是人，第二季如果乔治恋爱脑的劲儿过去了，目测还要有冲突。

直女乔治则面临着其他困境，她生活规律，要求严格。

真的很严格

从小到大幻想中的理想生活都是和有趣的绅士结婚生子，孩子的名字可能叫查理、休之类的。但是当她空窗五年后遇到梅，确信自己爱上了她的同时也有迷茫，当自己一直以来的生活基准线被动摇，该从哪一步开始更改呢。即使是在英国，突然出柜也并不是一件对于每个人都非常容易的事情。最主要的是，她还没有准备好接受自己。

很多人相信性向是流动的，但是除了生理取向，乔治更需要的是自己从内心深处接受，多年来理想的生活场景将要有变更。因为她没有设想过这种可能，所以二十多年的想象此时要转向一个空白的场景，不可能她今天遇到梅，明天就说这辈子我不需要一个男人了，因为此前的理想中，这些异性幻想对象给你带来的心理慰藉，这些感受还是分明的。这是一个持久而复杂的变更，很难一蹴而就。

乔治有一群婊子朋友，她怪罪朋友们只讲肤浅的笑话不谈深刻的问题，不关心自己，朋友回敬她那你为什么不跟我说呢？我不知道她对你有多重要。

很多时候我们只需要过好今天想好明天就好了，至于很久的以后，没人能说清。梅需要依赖，没有毒品就靠爱情，没有爱情或许就靠家人，乔治则说不准自己以后会不会喜欢别的女孩。【你是我唯一喜欢的女孩】听起来是很浪漫的事情。

乔治出柜其实并没有遭遇阻碍，只是她给自己设下了太多限制。

勇敢站出来做此时此刻想做的事情，面对自己，是最简单的选择，省去踌躇焦虑，略作考量就去选择，直接承担结果。有时候，不需要给自己和事件贴上严格的标签，生活可能没有想象的那么糟，总要向前走的。

另一边，梅则生活的毫无限制，所以当她进入乔治的生活，乔治的限制都成了她的枷锁，她也要学着成长。因为在乎所以隐瞒，但也因为在乎所以必须要坦诚相待，共渡难关。

最后一句：乔治手受伤要朋友给梅打电话，手机里存的备注是corn，是本人心里全剧最甜一场戏！！

Yes, I titled my review by using Jeanette Winterson’s biography for reference. It is true if you look it up in Douban, a Chinese version IMDB/Facebook, Feel Good will in the recommendation list as the searching result. In this website, people retitle this show as ‘Drunk in London’. It is accurate to use Drunk to describe the main character Mae Martin’s life predicament. She wants to get on the right path but couldn't help making a mess, she tries to be normal but cannot get rid of the psychological hint that ‘You need to accept you have a problem’, she wants to build up a stable intimate relationship but loses control due to emotional insecurity. But I still prefer the original title ‘Feel good’. It is hard to be normal in this high-demand world, feeling good is enough.

The encounter

After watching the series in one sitting, I can safely say Mae Martin is the second gay girl character I feel myself fall in love with after Anne Lister in Gentleman Jack. (Sorry, Suranne!) She is a special friend being with me in this strange self-isolation period. Can I call it love in the time of cholera? I couldn’t help replaying the scene Mae and George encountering and kissing in the pub. How romantic it is when you find someone in the crowd only laughing at your stuff, getting your point while you’re being ignored by others. England’s rose and the Canadian corn are like a blazing fire and dry wood. It is not all about how a tomboy chase a straight girl and how a straight girl seduce an unconfident lesbian. This is a vibrant start that I bet each girl is longing for. You might have a relatable journey that you are falling for a person who is not of the same clan but you think the fate drops from the clouds and the refreshing relationship will be working between you two. After oversharing with a stranger, you believe you have a bond and that’s hard to find in life.

Things usually happen like that, but most beautiful encounters will not end in well. Five minutes past, Mae and George are standing inside and outside the curtain, which implies George is stepping into her life and will be a part of her story. In fact, it does. This is the most subtle camera structure in EP1. It reminds me of how I met my exes, how we consume each other and how I lost them in the end. I suddenly realise I see my own reflection in Mae’s pupils when she says ‘I am not intense’.

Between normal and abnormal

It is rather to say Feel Good is a dark story than rom-com. At least, let’s say it is a heart-breaking life story dress like a love story. Mae Martin's tribulations she experienced in her career, family, and relationships are the main topics of the show. Before that, I’ve had enough of messy ‘permutation and combination’ style relationships in The L Word. Hetero audience hunt for novelty in LGBT TV drama but ignore character’s daily concerns as ordinary persons. They also have issues of how to repair the parent-child relationship, how to express who they really are in front of their friend who is always in the dominant position. Feel good has a unique texture with life-like characters. Each character in this show is so real. Their witty dialogues tickle my fancy all the time.

I can feel the director and the writer manage to keep up a high level of real emotions throughout the show and they capture characters’ dazzling personalities with a brisk pace. In this story, Mae and George are both like premature babies in the incubates, waiting for growth to be big, confident flowers. The director did not portray them as aliens but show strong empathy to care their own inner development. We witness their journeys in pain and sober.

My inner journey of watching "Feel Good" is like a roller-coaster.

E1: Oh!!! Mae and George are just adorable!

E2: Well...I changed my mind. I'd better stand for Mae and Lava?

E3: It is a bloody embodiment of "Please never date a straight girl unless you want to date for floods of tears."

Mae is an authentic, awkward, blunt, needy, sensitive girl with forlorn hope on George’s love. In her whole life, she has felt she is not in the right place. There is ‘other place’ she supposes to be. She thinks people are just swapping one addiction for another, while George is her another addiction. My favourite scene is in the EP3. Mae feels humiliated and a bit angry when being told to enjoy the party. Her confession broke my heart for real.

‘You grew up rich and white and straight and hot, you won the lottery. Of course, you want to dance. You're surrounded by people that want to fuck you. Of course, I don't want to dance in front of people that would have bullied me in high school. And you are too ashamed to touch me. If you want me to feel confident then hold my hand.’

It is not a gay thing. Any underrepresented people could relate to it. There used to be a moment you thought someone in the crowd could see you, but now you found this person knew nothing about your feelings. You notice the intangible huge gap between you. That really hurts.

As the representative of straight girl, Binky holds the opinion that ‘birds of a feather flock together’ by bring Mae and her lesbian cousin together. It is like saying ‘Hey gay girl should stay in your small bubble. That is the norm.’ You all know the hilarious result. Two girls hi each other and ‘see you’ soon. I laughed at this stuff not because there is less possibility for two Tomboys to fall in love with each other (on the contrary, they may slag off each other), but shocked by people’ ignorance that they think a lesbian will definitely like another lesbian since your are of the same kind. Come on. We are all human beings having clear love and hate. The gentle satire to some self-righteous people is one of the highlighted moments in this show. Sorry, your norm is ridiculous.

People distorts the definitions of ‘normal’ and fasten it to the minority. I became to realise the reason why the writer did not let Mae choose Lava, another lesbian girl who’s crush on her, even though a lot of my friends stand for them. ‘If you were my girlfriend, I’d make you come in under a minute.’ is the coolest line in this show. Lava is cold but affectionate in her own way. The writer probably wants to break the stereotype that it is easier to love your own kind. I think Mae must bottle a hidden line up: Hey, I cannot love you just because you are lesbian too.

Reframe your self

After watching it a second time, I changed my impression of George. I shouldn’t have been so mean to her when I watched the first time last week. This time, I see her struggling in her new identity. She hurries so much to put lesbian label on herself by saying ‘I have a girlfriend’ to the wedding photographer and ‘I belong to here. I finger my girlfriend a lot’ to the bartender, in order to cover up her inner uncertainty. ‘Your sobriety. Your gender identity. Is there anything isn’t my responsibility?’ She is facing the greatest pressure in her life. Being with Mae is like pulling up seedlings in her mind to help herself grow, in friendship, and in the workplace. But actually, the key point is not about learning how to be a lesbian. Instead, she needs to learn how to express a real herself, uncover her real feelings to the people surrounded, just like Binky says ‘If you are bothered, just tell us.’

There is another storyline of Mae’s narcotics anonymous meeting. This kind of support group is quite common to see in British/American dramas, like Killing Eve and Flack. As a student with a coaching background, I feel negatively surprised to see team members sitting in a circle and saying ‘I am an addict’ followed by self-introduction. Is it really work to settle a matter by giving themselves psychological suggestion that they still have problems? Or they just gather to find I am not the worst one. In EP 4, Lisa Kudrow hits the nail on the head. Everyone feel better or you feel better when people address the elephant in the room? Every time when Mae suffers a setback in relationship with George, she turns to Maggie and Lava. However, the temporary sense of belonging is self-deception.

Like her mother, Mae is a strong, impulsive, stubborn women. But she also has the vulnerable side.

‘But you told me you loved me first. That was the best moment of my life. I’m embarrassed. I let myself think that someone like you could be with someone like me. I’m not a boy. I’m not even a girl. I’m like a failed version of both. Why am I such a freak?’

She has so many feelings. What she wants is being accepted as what she is, being stick with a new healthy addiction. That is George.

In the last episode in season 1, Mae decides to return to George. The plot seems to quite rush. I wouldn’t say they are the perfect couple and I still doubt the relationship will last. But I would like to regard them as a pair of ‘learning buddy’ in this journey. George is the still and quiet habitat and Mae is the Pac-Man. Story is over. Life needs to go on. They both have too much to learn, not only for love but for lives.

Alien they seem to be. No mortal eye could see. The intimate welding of their history. by Thomas Hardy

Other things I want to address

Besides main characters, each supporting role is so lovely: Phil, Binky, Mae’s father, the bartender, and the bellboy in horror hotel. I love the script! I am especially impressed by Mae’s father. He has the wisdom of affairs handling and can read people’s mind accurately.

"You are still and strong, you wear your heart on your sleeves, you are fiercely passionate."

‘Your young lady must be needing you now. She’s off on her own, adrift in uncharted seas.’

He is absolutely one of the best father roles I’ve ever seen.

Now I can say I am ready to graduate from Feel Good after finishing this review. Thank you, Lisa, you remind me of the scotch egg I’ve had in Yorkshire. I am glad you enjoy it too. I will probably visit Blackpool to see the beautiful sunset one day. See you guys in season 2!

by Lssiedusky

2020.3.31

看完了，我一直疑问这竟然标签是喜剧诶，明明很多时候我看的都心碎的说

上图

当Mae复吸后

剧中梅在经历了女友的分手，一度失落丢失自己，甚至想要再次借助毒品摆脱失意，我深有感触，当生活糟糕的时候就会想忘记一切地放纵，但我们都知道，放纵过后只有无尽的后悔以及未解决的问题罢了，或许我可能应该想想一切的根源，与自己和解才是问题的答案

George诉说当年的伤心事

看到这里真的感同身受，自己所在意的所难受的常常是不为他人所感同身受的，我们失落在朋友无意的嘲笑中，把悲伤放在心里耿耿于怀，除了自己谁也不知道除了自己谁也伤不到，我认为剧中的朋友根本算不上朋友，不过是会耍耍嘴皮逗逗乐的一群派对伙伴，但真正的朋友，即使不懂你的痛也不会随意的戳你的伤疤，而是小心翼翼地保护着你。希望你可以在爱你的人面前褪去伪装。

年少时总是想出去看看，家好像是个束缚自己的地方，但后来遇到了大风大雨第一个想到的还是回家。

梅总是以为母亲不那么爱她，她好像永远在批评她，但其实她只是不把爱放在嘴上，伤心时一句话妈妈就会为你准备好一切等你回家。

多多少少有人迷失在自卑的世界里，我们感觉不到爱，接受不了爱，无法付出爱，什么都不说了跟着台词念一念吧，你是个可爱的人。

最后放几个图

第一次写长评，留个赞呗ヾ(❀╹◡╹)ﾉﾞ❀~

看完了。我觉得很好看。囊括了我们女同性恋群体会遇到的许许多多的问题，当然我觉得同样，这其中的一些感情问题是谈了恋爱的人都会遇到的。唉，觉得篇幅还不够长，但是其中真的蕴含了太多。

想到什么就写什么吧。

乔治父亲的离开和她后来和梅的父亲坐那个小车车的样子——她真的很怀念父爱吧。虽然她和梅的父母见面的时间很短暂，但是我觉得能看出她对那种久违了的父爱的憧憬。

然后就是当你陷入了这个群体之后，你才意识到之前认为只是寻常的事其实是多么的充满偏见。乔治所教的课程和班级上发生的事情，在她和梅交往之前肯定是存在的，但那时候，大概就像现在很多人的“事不关己高高挂起”一样吧，她不觉得是什么大不了的事——毕竟不发生在自己身上。而当她自己差不多也算成为其中一份子的时候，她才能被这些伤害到或者意识到有些曾经自以为正常是多么伤人。

哈哈哈哈哈直女被掰弯后的心路历程

梅的困惑，我觉得以前也曾是我的困惑，对方到底想让我成为什么样子？什么样子是我真正想成为的我自己？一开始看预告的时候，是的梅的外形就非常T呗，也有那么一丝丝忧虑是不是会包含着刻板印象。我觉得本剧某方面比较神就是它虽然篇幅不长，但是仅仅通过几个画面就让我感受到了想传达的东西——比如梅会想尝试穿一件小吊带裙，但是同时又羞于让乔治知道这件事。在她心里还是害怕乔治只是把她当男性伴侣来看待——这在女同性恋+直女的组合中很常见，其实就算是两个拉拉在一起我觉得也会有……

看到这句的我：呵，直女

这算是刻板印象的余孽吗？当然也有人喜欢这种相处模式，这也是我最近很纠结的一点，好像这种模式你无法确切地评价好与坏，但是希望大家在谈恋爱的时候都能找到和自己模式相同的人。

不过乔治最后在思考了，在了解了，在改变自己了，我觉得就很厉害。她明白了谁才是自己真正的朋友，也知道自己究竟想要什么，以及去尝试接纳新的自己。（这可能是大家追直女过程中的理想画面了吧XD）

家庭问题我觉得也算本剧表达的一个副中心？无论是梅那强势的母亲还是乔治选择离开的父亲以及对爱情失望的母亲（但我们也可以看出，你越表现出嫌弃反而越证明你在乎）。家庭问题有时候反而是一个很容易被忽视的问题，家长们有时候会说“每个家庭都这样！”来逃避应该承担改变的责任。都这样的家庭就正常吗？

看到此处有笑到

不知道会不会有第二季，因为觉得还是有些地方没有说清楚，也有些地方表达得蜻蜓点水一般。但此时打下这些文字的我又觉得，不用说清楚我们也可以顺着畅想下去。

乔治正视了自己的内心，她选择了更值得当朋友的人，她也会对梅给予支持；

梅虽然复吸了orz（而且那个Day1的小牌牌还是掖着藏着），但是剧的最末尾，我觉得她下一句就要向乔治坦诚自己复吸了，这是一个好的开始，我想也是她收获安全感的开始。

最后想到的是那个（完了我忘了名字了就是互助会最后和梅一起吸Du的那位）。

他竟然是打电话叫来了自己的保证人，我还挺震惊的，因为他俩一起吸的时候我内心真的“oh fuck”。保证人那番话真的蛮感人的……是一个，特别合格，值得当做依靠的保证人了。

哎，仍在回味中。

附上梅对成瘾的一个新的解读，我觉得，哇，内心的有些问题豁然开朗。

我们都在对什么东西成瘾呢？

最近的下饭剧从压抑的纪录片换成了《feel good》（不要被《心向快乐》这个傻白甜译名骗了），

大概25分钟一集的时长正好吃个饭能看完。

看第一集尤为畅快欢乐，

女主叫Mae，是个T，在酒吧说单口喜剧（脱口秀）。

女二George坐在台下get到了她的每一个笑点，然后主动在表演结束后去找了Mae。

喝酒的时候两个人还玩起了常见的喝酒游戏：

一方提问另一方回答，撒谎或者回答慢了就要喝酒，喝完提问角色互换。（我跟朋友玩的时候规则是这样的剧集里应该也差不多）

Mae开始提问，

-“你几岁？”

-“when did you lose your virginity?”

-“你最喜欢的电影是什么？”

然后轮到了George，

-“你来英国多久了？”

-“披头士里你最喜欢谁？”

-“Are we on a date?”

——我们在约会吗？

气氛开始诡异起来。

Mae开始结巴，

幸好她朋友走过来说了一番话，临走前说，

“enjoy your date.”

Mae顺着话说，“他说我们算在约会那就应该是吧。”

George说，“我以前从来没有和女孩子约过会。”

Mae问，“那你和女孩子接吻过吗？”

George说，“当然。”

气氛彻底变得暧昧，以尴尬的形式表现出来，

两个人都低头喝了一口酒。

在Mae抬头继续提问“你喜欢电影吗？”的时候

George的一句“你想吻我吗？”打断了掩饰两人心绪的游戏。

然后她们接吻了，Mae大脑中的盲音响起，

背景里酒吧的条状霓虹灯宛如电压不稳忽暗忽明。

看的时候我心里的想法是

这不是典型的crush吗？完全可以投稿到“我今天遇到了一个crush”小组的程度。

然而这只是第一集，

甚至在第一集还没结束的时候问题就展露出了残酷的冰山一角。

接下来陆陆续续涉及到LGBT/addict/原生家庭各种细碎不足为外人道的烦扰：

George作为侄女不想向朋友公开她和Mae的关系，

Mae做为addict（自称已经戒了）却偷偷藏了止痛药，

还有Mae十多年被赶出家门和表面看上去和谐无比的原生家庭倒刺般扎在心里的问题。

大家都爱看crush，热烈甜美如烈火烹油，

初遇时候对方展露出来的闪闪发光之处令人着迷，

而关系变成恋爱之后总有各种各样的烦恼，

更不要说组成家庭、养育子女等后续缠缠绵绵无绝期的鸡毛蒜皮了。

剧集也不会只有第一集前半部分光鲜漂亮的热恋环节，

毕竟是改编Mae的现实经历拍出来的，

重点完全放到了烦恼和解决烦恼上。

正如《亲爱的小孩》被批恐婚恐育，

而最令人恐惧的地方是这就是真实故事改编的，

这就是所有被社会教导毫不知情地轻易踏上婚姻这一条暗藏荆棘之路的女生被一带而过的那部分。

虽然每个人都在经历自己现实的烦扰，

喜欢看crush这种拥有完美甜味的故事也情有可原，

但正因为如此，这些聚焦现实的剧集才值得一看。

毕竟我们说到底还活在现实里，

我想或多或少心思细腻的人都会对此产生一丝共鸣。