酒店实习生第一季

Grey's 的第七集里，被那对老夫妻感动得哭了出来。
年过半百的老人握着一起走过了半生的人同样苍老的手，互相笑着说“my love, goodbye.”
在每一次手术前告别，然后在手术结束后，再次地，say hello。
因为从第一次就知道，每一次的告别都可能成为永别。这并不是玩笑。所以用着虔诚深情的表情和爱一次次做最后的仪式。
假以你这一次离开，也不是带着遗憾分离。
是不是这样子。
于是他们说，这才是真正的相濡以沫。
  
然而感动我的，却不只是这样子。
  
或许在等待的男人心里，从来没有真正设想和接受过那一种无法再相见的可能性。于是理所当然地等待着同爱人说你好的时间，
然而这一次的告别，却真的成为了永别。
那个苍老的、失了平静的声音在说，不要离开我。
一遍一遍。
那双老迈的、不肯停下手，执著地在早已经没了心跳的心脏上反复徒劳的动作。
只要你醒来。
上天没有赐予一点奇迹的怜悯，那个惶然无措的老人，在黄昏黑夜里，始终没有等到白昼。
   
那么，到底是要怎样的深情切意，才能在十年、二十年、三十年、四十年、五十年……这样漫长的时间里，一次次将无情的光阴打败。在这个寡情而薄幸的现实里。
  
于是那些相濡以沫的事情，在心里渐渐筑成了一座固若金汤的城堡，那叫做……奇迹吧。
  
之于找寻。多少人终其一生都在找寻。
在这样烟雾缭绕的世界里，是不是有着那样的存在，值得我们葬掉半生也要去等待。

1
Cristina: You know in the movies how there's always the heroes and then there's the other guy? You know the guy who sees danger and runs in the opposite direction?
Burke: Yes.
Cristina: Be the other guy.

Code Black的一集，此时Burke和Grey同时在手术室里，Cristina与Burke耳语。虽然大家都说在Burke中弹后才看到Cristina的人性，但在一句"Be the other guy."中，我总是固执的觉得，Yang是背叛与格蕾的友情而对Burke说出的这句话。危机之下，be the other guy.

 
2

Meredith：I lied. I'm not out of this relationship. I'm in. I'm so in it's humiliating because here I am begging--
Derek：Meredith, just--
Meredith：shut up.You say "Meredith," and I yell, remember?
Derek：Yeah.
Meredith：Okay...here it is.Your choice, it's simple--her or me? And I'm sure she's really great. But, Derek, I love you... in a really, really big... pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you love you.So pick me.Choose me.Love me.

The most famous and representative section.其实我一直觉得格蕾有些phyco,唯一比她更phyco的就是Izzie了。而且两人都是乍一看还行，越来越phyco的类型。Anyway,这段话，这样一个没有安全感的人，再加上演员当时desperate的表情，classic.

 
3

Grey/Cristina:I'm your person.

第一次听这种说法，直译过来我是你的人总是容易YY出一个红衣大辫子姑娘脸小红一下子对个大老爷们说“我都是你的人了”。但是当一个dark&twisted的女实习医生肩并肩的抱着另一个cold&inhumand的女实习生说出一句"I'm your person",我才开始有点小动容了，虽然觉得她们的友情线跟进的有点突兀。

 
4

Burke:I could promise to hold you and to cherish you. I could promise to be there whether sickness or health. I could say till death do us depart, but I won't. Those vows are for optimistic couples. The ones full of hope, but I do not stand here on my wedding day optimistic or full of hope. I am not optimistic. I am not hopeful, but I'm sure and I'm steady, and I know I am a heartman. Take them apart and put them together, I hold them in my hands. I am a heartman. So this I am sure you are my partner, my lover, my very best friend. My heart, my heart beats for you, and on this day today on our wedding I promise you this, I promise you to lay my heart on palm of your hand. I promise you "me".

Burke这番话听的时候觉得unbelievably brilliant，把台词写下来着实觉得相对于Burke的性格来说有点墨迹。但还是很不错的，相当不错。骄傲严肃，正直善良,永远像一个至高无上的神的存在，不论什么时候都存有理智的相信。A handy man, a heart man.整个剧里唯一的让人相信的让人抱有幻想的爱情和承诺。

 
5

Burke: I am Preston Burke! A widely renowned cardio-thoracic surgeon. I am a professional and more than that, I am a good and kind person. I am a person that cleans up behind myself! I am a person that cooks well. And you, you are an unbelievable slob. A slovenly, angry intern. I am Preston Burke! And you, you are the most competitive, most guarded, most stubborn, most challenging person I have ever met! And I love you. What the hell is the matter with you that you won't just let me?

哈哈～still Burke，“what the hell is the matter with you that you won't just let me”——发飙的Burke 还是非常口耐的。作为一个如此骄傲的自己，已经无法忍受yang对他的不信任，对他们爱情的不信任，积压已久的愤怒终于在这样的一个时候冲出，而Yang仍然坐在床上，吃着中餐，看着杂志，甚至是在Burke说"I love you"的时候才抬头看了他一眼。然后等Burke发完飙，没语调的说出"I gave up my apartment 20 minutes ago."我都不知道该说点啥囧
 

6

Cristina:It's not difficult,it's simple.Burke is not here, he has gone.And it's better for him.(小blar) But it's not difficult.He's out there.And I'm here while everything is the same.I still living in his apartment,I walked across the same passages of this hospital and wearing the same clothes.That's not difficult.This is where I am,This is where I choose to be. But,sir,when his hands were shaking, I performed his surgeries, I kept his secrets,I knew his pride.You know it, I know it, and he knows it.He knows it!(小blar)I'm the unseen hand to his glories.And while,everthing is ......everthing is very very different......I was his hand ,and now I'm the ghost.That's not difficult.It's unbearable.I know everybody is proud of him,but I'm not.And I do not wishing him.

在Erica把Yang整惨了之后，Burke又很合时宜的得了个什么Harper Avery Award（貌似？），Yang在停尸房里独自唱着歌，连我都觉得很惨..."I was his hand ,and now I'm the ghost.That's not difficult.It's unbearable."这剧本写的实在是忒到位了，没有什么比an invisible ghost更能体现Yang的地位的了，也没有什么比unbearable更能表现Yang的心情了。
(不知为什么，我想起了我长达近两年的失眠，从校园里没有人的时候去实验室，等到全校掐电的时候回寝室，上午一个熏肉大饼，下午一个煎饼果子，可是凌晨一点躺在床上仍然睡不着，看着太阳冉冉升起。That's not unbearable,it's suicidal.)
 

7

Izzie:You're right, maybe I should run.But I'd rather be running toward somebody than running away.

我说过，Izzie is a phyco,但她之所以phyco也是由于她的emotional.只不过这种emotional一开始是很可爱的，但后来就很有点神经，不知道编剧是怎么把握这个角色的。但这句话，是我听Izzie说过的最美丽的话了。

 

我为啥要看格蕾？

我不喜欢生理实验，曾经一度为了逃避实验想在研究生时学生物信息。
我不喜欢这里的很多角色，有感情过度充沛或者完全没感情或者干脆神经病的女人，有要么臭屁要么混蛋的男人，以及优柔寡断的GAY（其实我腐的），以及还不如他们的等等等等。
我不喜欢这里的很多演员，眼角和嘴角都是皱纹的装嫩女主角，长着一双标准YD眼睛的男主角，或者就是虽然好看但长相着实普通的Dr. Model以及虽然长得有很有特点但实在柯趁的Dr.Cold Blood.
但我热爱生命。我喜欢看不同的人站在不同的角度如何对待我们唯一拥有的东西。我喜欢看这些掌握生命的人如何对待自己的人生。我喜欢看在最绝望的时刻，人和人是如何握紧双手，彼此拯救。我喜欢看在一次一次的生还与死亡中，人是如何变的成熟与宽容。

我还是得看格蕾。

一
她长的算不上多么漂亮，只比克里斯丁娜·杨好看一些，没有伊兹·斯蒂文那么性感。但是，她有一双象是永远沉浸在梦中的，水光荡漾的眼睛。她有一个笑容，常常被雾笼罩的，有点无奈的，明知道蠢却也非得这么做请你原谅的笑容。
她是梅莉迪斯·格蕾，西雅图恩典医院外科女实习医生，她爱上了已婚的主治医生德瑞克·德瑞克，注定要经历悲惨的感情生活。有朋友说剧集很好看，但是讨厌这对男女主角，按他的话说就是没一个爽快人。德瑞克爱格蕾，当出轨的妻子把一纸离婚书给他，他却退缩了，选择了家庭却又不肯放弃格蕾。我不讨厌他，因为生活中确实有这样的男人，在感情和内心的道德律中间摇摆不定，哪个也不想舍弃，却给所有相关的人包括他自己带来痛苦。他的痛苦是真实的，他的感情也是真实的。只是他在生活中无法象在手术台上那般决断。
而格蕾只是爱着，她的理智不想这样，但感情占了上风，无法控制，无可救药。所以每次在医院，病房里，走廊上，看见德瑞克，她立刻迷失，束手无策，就象飞蛾，怎么样也抑制不了向火苗扑去的渴望。
那是与生具来的本能，我理解。莉香对完治也是这么说的，爱上了一个人，有什么办法呢？
二
伊兹也是这样。
伊兹·斯蒂文，从小在拖车屋长大的女孩，靠给《男人帮》拍内衣插页赚够了读医学院的学费。她以为自己可以成为一个好外科医生的，但是她爱上了自己的病人，一个心脏功能衰竭却有着温暖笑容的男人，丹尼。
因此别的都不重要了。
为给爱人抢到一颗移植的心脏，她亲手割断了丹尼维持生命的管子，触犯了作为一个医生的所有禁忌，甚至法律，还把4个好友卷了进来。当丹尼醒来的那一刻，你看她脸上的光，那是透过最黑最重的云层一角射下的太阳的光辉。
那时侯我知道，丹尼活不了了。
编剧不会让他活着。偷来的心脏不可能属于他。
但我还是喜欢伊兹喜悦的神情，打心眼里向外发散的幸福，尽管那么短暂。
“……我觉得我的动作慢下来了。我的动作很慢，而我周遭的一切事物却是那么快，我想回到过去，回到正常的样子，而不是现在这个可怜的伊兹，穿着礼服躺在洗手间的地板上，跟他死去的未婚夫在一起，但是我回不去了……怎么会发生这种事？怎么会这样结束？为什么我是孤独一人？”
三
爱情不过是《实习医生格蕾》的一部分。5个实习医生，更多的要面对生死，面对抉择，为一个生命作决定。
剧集里许多病例故事单拿出来都可以拍成一部优秀的电影。
一场火车车祸，一根钢管穿透了一对陌生男女，两个只能活一个，要放弃那个伤更重但是痛时也能说笑话的女孩吗？
一对老人，妻子只有6个月的生命，妻子瞒着丈夫，丈夫瞒着妻子，因为他们约定，要去威尼斯，在夕阳西下时候坐平底船穿过叹息桥，传说这样就会永远在一起。
一个女人晚期肺癌，她说，“我一辈子没抽过烟，没吸过大麻，从不喝酒，今天之前，10年没吃过甜点，在别人眼里，是健康的化身，可我却得了肺癌，很荒谬是吗？我一辈子都压抑，抑制每个冲动，遵守规则，现在我不要这么做了。我要找回我的生活。”
她拒绝了手术，出院了——“至少在我这么做的时候，我知道自己曾经活过。”
生老病死，人生里所有的线索最后在这里交织，展现出真实与残酷的一面，阴影中又有勇气和美好。
四
心是我们活着的标志。一颗健康的心就象战鼓，把携带养分的血液及时泵到全身，是维持我们生命的动力系统。
人心千姿百态，梅雷迪斯·格雷痴情的心，克里斯丁娜·杨捉摸不定的心，伊兹·斯蒂文狂热的心，乔治·梅利淳朴的心，亚里克斯·卡莱脆弱的心。最完美的心是住院医生米兰达.贝莉的，坦率近乎透明，真实如刀锋入骨，被唤作纳粹，却在严厉中让你体会真正的善良。
人心是脆弱的。冠心病，先心病，风心病，心肌病……心会累，会疲倦，也想休息，逃避，时不时的怠工。有人想换掉，有人甘愿坚守。
所以西雅图恩典医院最好的心胸外科医生伯克总是很忙，忙着用手术刀划开胸腔，把一颗心拿出来，捧在手里，切切剪剪，缝缝补补。
那些受伤的心，有些死了，有些开始新生。
我最喜欢的斯丁的歌是关于心的，《Shape of My Heart》——我知道黑桃代表卫兵的剑，我知道梅花是战争的枪，我知道钻石象征着财富，但是那并非我心的形状， That′s not the shape, the shape of my heart ……
亦舒小说里常提到洛史超域的一首歌，也是与心有关。《玫瑰的故事》中——气渐渐有点凉意,我驾车上班,扭开无线电听,红灯的时候头枕在驾驶盘上,无线电上在播放洛史超域的歌——“我不想说及/你如何碎了我的心/如果我再逗留一刻/你是否聆听我的心/噢,心/我的心/我的老心”。《丁香》中——她身边放看一架小小无线电，正在播放洛史超域那永远不灭的歌：“如果我独自站着，影子是否会掩藏我心的颜色，蓝色是眼泪，黑色是天空运行的星，对你来说， 不会比一面镜子更有意义……”我一向最爱洛史超域的慢歌，充满感情的声音诉说一些微不足道的琐事，但这琐事却是爱情呢……
亦舒有个短篇就叫《破碎的心》——　我立刻注意到她脖子上挂的一条项链，红色珊瑚的小珠子，串住一颗金色的心型坠子，本来很普通，但是那枚心在左上方却是有裂痕的，细细的痕中嵌镶着碎粒的蓝宝石，像是心碎了，又复元了，但永远留下难忘的瘀痕。
开头是破碎的心，结尾也是——
我是一个成年人，以后的生活，再凄苦再空虚，我还是得若无其事地活下去。
但是我的心已碎。
可儿在我的生命中出现、消失，如一颗流星，闪亮后的黑暗，我也会学习习惯。
但要忘记她，却也不是这么容易的一件事呢，每次看到穿白衣的女孩子，我的心使隐隐作痛。
我开始爱上洛史超域的一首歌：
——“我的心，我的老心，如果我再逗留一刻，你是否会聆听我的心？”
看来，在我们一生中，心都是要破碎的，有的碎的多一点，有的少一点，有的很快就修补上了，有的留下疤痕，有的留下裂缝，也有的干枯至死。
只是，你的心，是否曾有人聆听？

1

花了很長時間看Grey's Anatomy,之後又花了很長時間努力不去思考。醫療題材的片子很容易出彩，也很容易讓人覺得厭倦，《白色巨塔》走的是反面對比路綫，因果輪回報應不爽，配一首宗教歌曲就讓人落淚。相比之下，美國人喜歡沒事就說說人生，其實這樣挺好的，人生就需要一些淺薄又積極的探討。把人生歸結成一種美國式的黑色幽默之後又刻意壓低到扭曲零碎的生活瑣事中去，好像只有這樣，編造出來的理論才能夠得到圓滿。這一原則的另一個結局就是做出來的東西特別真實，有時候簡直是太他媽真實了。

大多數的矛盾只有三种原因，對於當下自我體認的不滿，對於當下他人對自我映射的不滿，然後導致了對過去未來的人生的焦慮。毉患關係的矛盾是人本身的矛盾，一方面對自己無法掌握自己生命的結局感到絕望，另一方面因爲了解前者的絕望，所以難以自我安慰。不知道自己要什麽；想知道自己要什麽；有時候以爲知道了自己要什麽；有時候只知道自己不要什麽。長得一臉韓國式plain的Christina是所有人的榜樣，在她一臉理所當然的道德感薄弱之下。最情比金堅是 Christina對Meredith：“緊急聯絡人我填了你的名字。”最無可奈何是Bruke對Christina：“我們算是一對了，這沒什麽大不了的。”最望塵莫及是Izzie對Christina：“我不是妒嫉她的選擇，我只是妒嫉她這麽堅定這麽純粹。”

如同我們所猜想的，醫生對於自己的人生，比常人有更多的不認同感。這就好像法官對於公平正義，老師對於教學相長，國家領導人對於國家本身的定義一樣。《無人生還》裏的法官，到最後都得意于自己病態的舉證方式：但是説到底，這是死循環。

2

很多人不能認同Meredith，有可能是對美劇中瓊瑤戯份的厭惡。要是都像越獄那樣，每集都刺激刺激刺激每秒鐘，就回到了好萊塢動作片的老路上。你還記得ABC是怎樣在好萊塢疲軟的時候殺進的麽？因爲人們關心的是内歷時的人物命運：Meredith在Seattle Grace的第一年，第二年……20個人中只有6個女人，而在這20個人之中，有5個將在壓力下崩潰，有2個會要求離開。George要重復實習，Alex留起了鬍子，Mark戯份加重，連男主角也對第三季的劇本表示了不滿，如果第四季還這麽混亂的話，他就要甩手不干了。接下來的事情你們都知道了：演O'mally的演員坦誠自己是同性戀，Addison功成名就spin off，Burke無法解決内部矛盾……然後，然後編劇罷工開始了。

回過頭來想一想，Meredith的塑造是成功的。她優秀得不露聲色，因此不同于典型亞裔美國人那種強迫式的自我要求，同時又有美國女人的優點：寬容和理解（至少看起來是這樣）。決絕?不，生活裏不流行決絕。關心？關心他人的生活，而不是内心。無論如何，劇本是用事件而不是獨白編織的，如果讓觀衆過多地看出編劇們表達的用心，毫無疑問是一種失敗——人物本身會有自己的發展，但是觀衆又非得要求緊張激烈的情節，稀奇古怪的病例，這確實是一種對於編劇能力的考驗。在Meredith瀕死的時候，各種綫索匯聚到一起，以四個人的方式把三季中重要事件和代表意義呈現出來，其中的一些綫索結束了，比如代表着 Meredith母親的護士隨著她母親的死去也消失了，但是另一些沒有，代表着主角感情選擇的Bonnie未來肯定還會出現。被炸成脆片的爆破組組長也許代表Meredith的勇氣，但是這種無所不能的勇氣，正如Meredith所說，會“fade away”，還有人氣最高的Denny和Izzie兩肩相觸的刹那，靈犀一點天人永隔：所有美好的東西最終都會消失，如果不能move on，你就只能困在原地。

是的，我們得承認人心脆弱。因爲害怕受傷害，太容易對珍惜的東西失去信心。像Christina那種受亞洲同胞們讚賞的堅強，其實是更深的自傷。如果真的完全不相信愛，怎樣完好地活在人間？

考文雕的時候滿腦子都是Meredith的金髮和抿成直綫的嘴。我一直覺得很層次的金髮很好看，但是一不小心，就會面如土色。我能理解美國精神是缺乏武俠小説熏陶的，她和他們都不知道什麽是“醉笑陪君叁萬場，不訴離傷。”

3

在列文的莊園，一男一女相遇了，兩個孤獨的，憂鬱的人。他們相互閒有好感，暗中希望能將兩人的生活結合到一起。他們只等着能單獨在一起的機會，以互相表白。有一天他們終于在沒有第三者的情況下同処一個小樹林。他們在那裏采蘑菇。兩人内心激動，一言不發，知道時機來了，不要讓它溜走。當時他們已經靜默了很久，女人突然開始說起蘑菇來了。這完全是“違背她意願的，意想不到的”。隨後，又是一陣靜默，男人掂量着字眼想表白，可是他沒有談愛情，“出於一種意想不到的衝動”，他也跟她談起蘑菇來。
在回家的路上，他們還在談着蘑菇，一點辦法也沒有，心中充滿了絕望，因爲他們知道，他們永遠都不會談到愛情了。

以上這個例子是昆德拉舉出來證明人類的行動怎樣超越出因果關係的可解釋範圍。事實上，這似乎是人類藝術的一個最大的突破口：科學證明那些可重復的事件，藝術則在不可重復的神秘性上佔有優勢。亞裏士多德認爲詩歌比歷史更真實，就是這個道理。從這個方面來説，編劇罷工最終會贏得勝利，因爲他們手中掌握着美國社會的“真實”，而這種真實性總是被需要的。

Meredith夢到自己拉開冰櫃，看到死掉的自己開口説話。死亡是涼爽的夜晚，自己的掙扎卻很徒勞。這是再真實不過的想法，誰也沒有立場說誰淺薄。對於那些認爲Grey's Anatomy刻意拉長劇情慘失人氣的，有些確實可觀，對於那些認爲主角形象塑造失敗的，則可能道德感過於強烈誘失中立了。有時候我們笑貧不笑娼。

我怎么都忘不了grey对Derek郑重其事地这样说.

直到现在,她的神情,口吻,声音,都不停回荡在我脑海里,像一部自动播放机,反复而强烈.

有一点哀怨,多一点坚定,有一点撒娇,多一点坚持.

坚持.是的.

在这里我想说的是,对于每天第一个迎接我们在真实世界苏醒过来的太阳,对于偶尔一场来去无意地霜降,对于繁华世界瞬息万变的人们,对于纷繁复杂需要面对的现实,对于更多不由自主的选择与被选择...

我们能不能也大声地,深情地说一句:

choose me! pick me! love me! 呢?

总有人在说,生活总是要继续的.
诚然如此,但我们能不能不要半推半就的生活?

我不想在经历了这样一些挫折之后跟自己说我是不行的,原来我这么糟糕.我不想在经历一些失去之后跟自己说这是注定的,不是你的就不是你的.我不想在每天醒来之后不知道自己今天应该做些什么,不知道哪些是我真的愿意去做的.我不想在每天睡觉之前对于明天是没有任何期待的,甚至都没有一件事能够让我醒来后从床上利索地下来开始行动的.
...
我通通不想
...
因为我要好好生活.

要让温暖的太阳选择我,要让美好的运气选择我,要让胜利的快乐选择我,要让相聚的幸福选择我,要让旅行的喜悦选择我...

要让我的每一天都值得.去期待,去到达,去完成.

假如我还有80年的生命..80年就是960月..就是29200天...

接下来,我要好好爱我的每一个1/29200.
我要对你说:
I love you and i choose you.
Please,pick me and love me.

The best of this soap opera is voiceover in each episode. It intrigues me to scribble down every sentence of voiceover when watching it. It is food for thought. I like this way to say something about life, love, friend, job, responsibility, loneliness and so on in this series. It make me contemplating what has happened in my life.

Attached is what I record, share with "同好":

Season1

Episode 1: A hard Day’s night

The game. They say either a person has what it takes to play, or they don't.
There comes a moment when it's more than just a game. And you either take that step forward, or turn around and walk away.

E5: “shake your groove thing”

Remember when you were a kid and your biggest worry was, like, if you'd get a bike for your birthday, or if you get to eat cookies for breakfast. Being an adult? Totally overrated. I mean, seriously, don't be fooled by all the hot shoes and the great sex and the no parents anywhere telling you to do. Adulthood is responsibility. Responsibility, it really does suck. Really, really sucks. Adults have to be places and do things and earn a living and pay the rent. Kinda makes bikes and cookies look really really good, doesn't it?

The scariest part about responsibility: when you screw up and let it slip right through your fingers.
Unfortunately, once you get past the age of braces and training bras, responsibility doesn't go away.
It can't be avoided. Either someone makes us face it, or we suffer the consequences. And still, adulthood has its perks.

E6 “ If tomorrow never comes”

A couple hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. "Never leave that till tomorrow," he said, "which you can do today." This is the man who discovered electricity. You'd think more of us would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of pain, fear of rejection. Sometimes, the fear is just of making a decision. Because, what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? Whatever it is we're afraid of, one thing holds true. That, by the time the pain of not doing a thing gets worse than the fear of doing it, it can feel like we're carrying around a giant tumor. And you thought I was speaking metaphorically.

The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we haven't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still, sometime we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore, until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin meant. That knowing is better than wondering. That waking is better than sleeping. And that even the biggest failure, even the worst, most intractable mistake beats the hell out of never trying.

E07 “ The self destruct button”

I mean, if life's so hard already, why do we bring more trouble down on ourselves? What's up with the need to hit the self-destruct button? Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know... ...maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? "Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer?" "Because it feels so good when I stop."

E08 “Save me”

You know how when you were a kid and you believed in fairy tales? That fantasy of what your life would be. White dress, Prince Charming, Who'd carry you away to a castle on a hill. You'd lie in bed at night and close your eyes, and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close, you could taste them. But eventually, you grow up. One day you open your eyes, and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is, it's hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely. Cause almost everyone still has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they'll open their eyes and it will all come true.

E09 “who’s zooming who”

Secrets can't hide in science. Medicine has a way of exposing the lies. Within the walls of the hospital, the truth is stripped bare. How we keep our secrets outside the hospital...Well, that's a little different. One thing is certain. Whatever it is we're trying to hide, we're never ready for that moment when the truth gets naked. That's the problem with secrets. Like misery, they love company. They pile up and up until they take over everything. Until you don't have room for anything else. Until you're so full of secrets, you feel like you're going to burst.

The thing people forget is how good it can feel when you finally set secrets free.Whether good or bad, at least they're out in the open, like it or not. And once your secrets are out in the open, you don't have to hide behind them anymore. The problem with secrets is even when you think you're in control... ...you're not.

Season 2

E1 “Raindrops keep falling on my head”

To be a good surgeon, you have to think like a surgeon. Emotions are messy. Tuck them neatly away and step into a clean, sterile room where the procedure is simple. Cut, suture and close. But sometimes, you're faced with a cut that won't heal. A cut that rips it's stitches wide open.

The say practice makes perfect. Theory is, the more you think like a surgeon, the more you become one. The better you get at remaining neutral, clinical. Cut, suture, close. And the harder it becomes to turn it off? to stop thinking like a surgeon. And remember what it means to think like a human being.

E2 “Enough is enough (no more tears)”

I have an aunt who, whenever she poured anything for you, would say, "Say when." My aunt would say, "Say when," and of course we never did. We don't say "when" because there's something about the possibility of more. More tequila. More love. More anything. More is better.

There's something to be said about a glass half full. About knowing when to say when. I think it's a floating line. A barometer of need and desire. It's entirely up to the individual. And depends on what's being poured. Sometimes all we want is a taste. Other times, there's no such thing as enough. The glass is bottomless. And all we want is more.

E3 “Make me lose control”

Surgeons are control freaks. With a scalpel in your hand, you feel unstoppable. There's no fear, there's no pain. You're 10 feet tall and bullet proof. And then you leave the O.R. And all that perfection. All that beautiful control just falls to crap.

No one likes to lose control but as a surgeon there's nothing worse. It's a sign of weakness. Of not being up to the task. And still there are times when it just gets away from you. When the world stops spinning. And you realize that your shiny little scalpel isn't gonna save you. No matter how hard you fight it. You fall. And its scary as hell. Except there's an upside to free falling. It's the chance you give your friends to catch you.

E4” deny, deny, deny”

The key to surviving a surgical internship is denial. We deny that we're tired, we deny that we're scared, we deny how badly we want to succeed, and most importantly, we deny that we're in denial. We only see what we wanna see and believe what we want to believe. And it works. We lie to ourselves so much that after a while, the lies start to seem like the truth. We deny so much that we can't recognize the truth, right in front of our faces.

Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the damn bursts all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired. We are scared. Denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later, we have to put aside our denial ... and face the world head on gun's blazing. Denial. It's not just a river in Egypt. It's a freaking ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?

E5 “Bring the pain”

Pain comes in all forms. The small twinge, a bit of soreness, the random pain. The normal pains we live with every day. Then there's the kind of pain you can't ignore. A level of pain so great that it blocks out everything else. Makes the rest of the world fade away. Until all we can think about is how much we hurt. How we manage our pain is up to us. Pain. We anaesthetize...ride it out, embrace it, ignore it... And for some of us, the best way to manage pain is to just push through it.

Pain. You just have to ride it out. Hope it goes away on its own. Hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions. No easy answers. You just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed. But sometimes, the pain gets to you when you least expect it. Hit's way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain. You just have to fight through because the truth is you can't out run it. And life always make more.

E6 “Into you like a Train”

In general... people can be categorized in one of two ways. Those who love surprises, and those who don't. I don't. I've never met a surgeon that enjoys a surprise, because, as surgeons we like to be in the know. We have to be in the know. Because when we aren't, people die and lawsuits happen. Am I rambling? I think I'm rambling. Ok, so my point actually ... and I do have one. Has nothing to do with surprises or death or lawsuits or even surgeons. My point is this: whoever said what you don't know can't hurt you was a complete and total moron. Because for most people I know, not knowing is the worst feeling in the world.

As surgeons, there are so many things we have to know. We have to know we have what it takes. We have to know how to take care of our patients. And how to take care of each other. Eventually we even have to figure out... how to take care of ourselves. As surgeons we have to be in the know. But as human beings, sometimes it's better to stay in the dark. Because in the dark, there maybe fear... ... but there's also hope.


E8 “Let it Be”

In the 8th grade, my English class had to read Romeo & Juliet. Then for extra credit, Mrs. Snyder made us act out all the parts. Sal Scafarillo was Romeo. As fate would have it, I was Juliet. All the other girls were jealous but I had a slightly different take. I told Mrs. Snyder that Juliet was an idiot. For starters, she falls for the one guy she knows she can't have. Then she blames fate for her own bad decision. Mrs. Snyder explained to me that when fate comes into play, choice sometimes goes out the window. At the ripe old age of 13, I was very clear. That love like life is about making choices. And fate has nothing to do with it. Everyone thinks it's so romantic. Romeo & Juliet. True love. How sad. If Juliet was stupid enough to fall for the enemy, drink a bottle of poison and go to sleep in a mausoleum ... ... she deserved whatever she got.

Maybe Romeo & Juliet were fated to be together, but just for a while. And then their time passed. If they could've known that beforehand maybe it would've all been ok. I told Mrs. Snyder that when I was growing up I'd take fate into my own hands. I wouldn't let some guy drag me down. Mrs. Snyder said that I'd be lucky if I ever had that kind of passion with someone. And that if I did, we'd be together forever. Even now I believe for the most part love is about choices. It's about putting down the poison and the dagger and making your own happy ending ... most of the time. And that sometimes despite all your best choices and all your best intentions, fate wins anyway.

E09: “Thanks for the memories”

Gratitude, appreciation, giving thanks. No matter what words you use, it all means the same thing. Happy. We're supposed to be happy. Grateful for friends, family, happy just to be alive... Whether we like it or not.

Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful is recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciate small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing ... ... is reason enough to celebrate.

E10 “Much too much”

When you were a kid, it was Halloween candy. You hid it from your parents and ate it until you got sick. In college it was the heady combo of youth, tequila and well you know... As a surgeon you take as much of the good as you can get... because it doesn't come around nearly as often as it should. Cause good things aren't always what they seem. Too much of anything, even love is not always a good thing.

How do you know how much is too much? Too much, too soon. Too much information. Too much fun. Too much love. Too much to ask. And when is it all just too much to bear?

E11 “Owner of a lonely heart”

Forty years ago, The Beatles asked the world a simple question. They wanted to know where all the lonely people came from. My latest theory is that a great many of the lonely people come from hospitals. More precisely the surgical wings of hospitals. As surgeons we ignore our own needs so we can meet our patients' needs. We ignore our friends and families so we can save other people's friends and families. Which means that at the end of the day all we really have is ourselves. And nothing in this world can make you feel more alone than that.

400 years ago another well known English guy had an opinion about being alone. John Donne. He thought we were never alone. Of course it was fancier when he said it. No man is an island entire unto himself. Boil down that island talk and he just meant that all anyone needs is someone to step in. And let us know we're not alone. And who's to say that someone can't have 4 legs. Someone to play with or run around with. Or just hang out.

E12 “Grandma got run over by a reindeer”

It's an urban myth that suicide rates spike at the holidays. Turns out, they actually go down. Experts think that people are less inclined to off themselves when surrounded by family. Ironically, that same family togetherness is thought to be the reason depression rates actually do spike at the holidays.

There's an old proverb that says you can't choose your family. You take what the fates hand you... ...and like them or not, love them or not, understand them or not ... ...you cope. Then there's the school of thought that says the family you're born into is simply a starting point. They feed you and clothe you and take care of you until your ready to go out into the world. ...and find your tribe.

E13 “Begin the begin”

Fresh starts. Thanks to the calendar, they happen every year. Just set your watch to January. Our reward for surviving the holiday season is a new year. Bringing on the great tradition of New Year's resolutions. Put your past behind you and start over. It's hard to resist the chance at a new beginning. A chance to put the problems of last year to bed.

Who gets to determine when the old ends and the new begins? It's not a day on a calendar. Not a birthday, not a new year. It's an event, big or small, something that changes us. Ideally it gives us hope. A new way of living and looking at the world. Letting go of old habits, old memories. What's important is that we never stop believing, we can have a new beginning. But it's also important to remember that amid all the crap are a few things really worth holding on to.

E14 “Tell me sweet little lies”

As doctors we're trained to skeptical because our patients lie to us all the time. The rule is: every patient is a liar until proven honest. Lying is bad. Or so we're told. Constantly, from birth. Honesty is the best policy. The truth shall set you free. I chop down the cherry tree. Whatever. The fact is, lying is a necessity. We lie to ourselves because the truth, the truth freaking hurts.

No matter how hard we try to ignore it or deny it. Eventually the lies fall away. Whether we like it or not. But here's the truth about the truth. It hurts. So we lie.


E16: “It’s the end of the world”

It's a look patients get in their eyes. There is a scent. The smell of death. Some kind of sixth sense. When the great beyond is headed for you, you feel it coming. What's the one thing you've always dreamed of doing before you die?

E17 “As we know it”

In hospitals they say you know. You know when you're going to die. Some doctors say it's a look patients get in their eyes. Some say there's a scent. The smell of death. Something. There's just some kind of sixth sense. When the great beyond is heading for you. You feel it coming. Whatever it is. It's creepy. Because if you know. What do you do about? Forget about the fact you're scared out of your mind. If you knew this was your last day on Earth, how would you want to spend it?

(现在似乎流行这样的假设，在北美大学，流行”last lecture”)

E18 “Yesterday”

After careful consideration and many sleepless nights, here's what I've decided. There's no such thing as a grown up. We move on, we move out, we move away from our families and form our own. But the basic insecurities, the basic fears and all those old wounds just grow up with us. And just when we think that life and circumstance have forced us to truly, once and for all become an adult ... We get bigger, we get taller, we get older. But for the most part, we're still a bunch of kids. Running around the playground trying desperately to fit in.

We whisper secrets with our best friends in the dark. We look for comfort where we can find it. And we hope. Against all logic. Against all experience. Like children, we never give up hope.

E19 “ What have I done to deserve this”

Ok so sometimes even the best of us make rash decisions. Bad decisions. Decisions we pretty much know we're gonna regret the moment, the minute, especially the morning after. I mean maybe not regret, regret because at least you know we put ourselves out there. But still ... something inside us decides to do a crazy thing. A thing we know that'll probably turn around and bite us in the ass. Yet, we do it anyway.

What I'm saying is ... we reap what we sow. What comes around goes around. It's karma and any way you slice it ... ... karma sucks. Like I was saying ... ... payback's a bitch.

One way or another, our karma, will leave us to face ourselves. We can look our karma in the eye or we can wait for it to sneak up on us from behind. One way or another, our karma will always find us. And the truth is as surgeons we have more chances than most to set the balance in our favor. No matter how hard we try, we can't escape our karma. It follows us home. I guess we can't really complain about karma. It's not unfair. It's not unexpected. It just ... evens the score. And even when we're about to do something we know will tempt karma to bite us in the ass ... ... well it goes without saying ... ...we do it anyway.

E20 “ Band Aid covers the bullet hole”

As doctors patients are always telling us how they would do our jobs. Just stitch me up, slap a band-aid on it and send me home. It's easy to suggest a quick solution when you don't know much about the problem. When you don't understand the underlying cause ... ... or just how deep the wound really is. The first step towards a real cure is to know exactly what the disease is to begin with. But that's not what people want to hear. We're supposed to forget the past that landed us here, ignore the future complications that might arise and go for the quick fix.

As doctors, as friends, as human beings we all try to do the best we can. But the world is full of unexpected twists and turns. And just when you've gotten the lay of the land, the ground underneath you, shifts. And knocks you off your feet. If you're lucky, you end up with nothing more than a flesh wound. Something a band-aid will cover. But some wounds are deeper than they first appear and require more than just a quick fix. With some wounds, you have to rip off the band-aid, let them breathe and give them time to heal.

E21 “Superstition”

My college campus has a magic statue. It's a long-standing tradition for students to rub it's nose for good luck. My freshman roommate really believed in the statue's power... ...and insisted on visiting it to rub it's nose before every exam. Studying might have been a better idea. She flunked out her sophomore year. But the fact is we all have little superstitious things that we do. If it's not believing in magic statues, it's avoiding sidewalk cracks, or always putting out left shoe on first. Knock on wood. Step on a crack, break your mother's back. The last thing we want to do is offend the gods.

Superstition lies in the space between what we can control... and what we can't. Find a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck. No one wants to pass up a chance for good luck. But does saying it 33 times really help? Is anyone really listening? And if no one's listening, why do we bother doing those strange things at all? We rely on superstitions because we're smart enough to know we don't have all the answers. And that life works in mysterious ways. Don't diss the juju...from wherever it comes.

E22 “ The name of the game”

A good basketball game can have us all on the edge of our seats. Games are all about the glory, the pain and the play-by-play. And then there are the more solitary games. The games we each play all by ourselves. The social games, the mind games, we use them to pass the time. To make life more interesting. To distract us from what's really going on. There are those of us who love to play games. Any game. And there are those of us who love to play...a little too much.

Life is not a spectator sport. Win, lose or draw...the game is in progress...whether we want it to be or not. So go ahead: argue with the refs, change the rules...cheat a little...take a break...and tend to your wounds. But play. Play hard. Play fast. Play loose and free. Play as if there's no tomorrow. Ok, so it's not whether you win or lose...it's how you play the game. Right?

E23 “Blues for sister someone”

The key to being a successful intern is what we give up. Sleep, friends, a normal life. We sacrifice it all for that one amazing moment. That moment when you can legally call yourself a surgeon. There are days that make the sacrifices seem worthwhile. And then there are the days where everything feels like a sacrifice. And then there are the sacrifices that you can't even figure out why you're making.

A wise man once said, "You can have anything in life, if you will sacrifice everything else for it." What he meant is, nothing comes without a price. So before you go into battle, you better decide how much you're willing to lose. Too often, going after what feels good, means letting go of what you know is right. And letting someone in means abandoning the walls you've spent a lifetime building. Of course the toughest sacrifices are the ones we don't see coming. When we don't have time to come up with a strategy, to pick a side or measure the potential loss. When that happens, when the battle chooses us, and not the other way around, that's when the sacrifice can turn out to be more than we can bear.

E24 “Damage Case”

We all go through life like bulls in a china shop. A chip here, a crack there. Doing damage to ourselves. To other people. The problem is trying to figure out how to control the damage we have done. Or that's been done to us. Sometimes the damage catches us by surprise. Sometimes we think we can fix the damage. And sometimes the damage is something we can't even see.

We're all damaged, it seems. Some of us more than others. We carry the damage with us from childhood. Then, as grown-ups, we give as good as we get. Ultimately, we all do damage. And then...we set about the business of fixing...whatever we can.

E25 “17 seconds”

In life, we are taught that there are seven deadly sins. We all know the big ones: Gluttony, pride, lust. But the sin you don't hear much about is anger. Maybe it's because we think anger's not that dangerous. That we can control it. My point is, maybe we don't give anger enough credit. Maybe it can be a lot more dangerous than we think. After all, when it comes to destructive behavior... ...it did make the top seven.

So what makes anger different from the six other deadly sins? It's pretty simple really. You give in to a sin like envy or pride then you only hurt yourself. Try lust or coveting and you'll only hurt yourself, and probably one or two others. But anger...anger is the worst. The mother of all sins. Not only can anger drive you over the edge, when it does, you can take an awful lot of other people with you.

E26 “Deterioration of the fight or flight response”

Human beings need a lot of things to feel alive. We can't control it.

Season 3

E01 “Time has come today”

In the OR, time loses all meaning. In the midst of sutures and saving lives, the clock ceases to matter. 15 minutes. 15 hours. Inside the OR, the best surgeons make time fly. Outside the OR however, time takes pleasure in kicking our asses. For even the strongest of us, it seems to play tricks. Slowing down, hovering....until it freezes, leaving us stuck in a moment, unable to move in one direction or the other.

Time flies Time waits for no man. Time heals all wounds. All any of us wants is more time Time to stand up... time to grow up. Time to let go.

E02 “I am a tree”

At any moment, the brain has 14 billion neurons firing at a speed of 450 miles per hour. We don't have control over most of them. When we get a chill, goosebumps. When we get excited, adrenaline. The body naturally follows it's impulses, which I think is part of what makes it so hard for us to control ours. Of course, sometimes we have impulses we'd rather not control. That we later wish we had.

The body is a slave to its impulses. But the thing that makes us human... Is what we can control. after the storm. After the rush. After the heat of the moment has passed. We can cool off and clean up the messes we've made. We can try to let go of what was. And then again...

E03 “Sometimes a fantasy”

Surgeons usually fantasize about wild and improbable surgeries. Someone collapses in a restaurant; we splice them open with a butter knife. Replace a valve with a hollowed-out stick of carrot. But every now and then, some other kind of fantasy slips in. Most of our fantasies dissolve when we wake. Banished to the back of our mind. But sometimes we're sure, if we try hard enough, we can live the dream.

The fantasy is simple. Pleasure is good. And twice as much pleasure is better. That pain is bad. And no pain is better. But the reality is different. The reality is that pain is there to tell us something. And there's only so much pleasure we can take without getting a stomach ache. And maybe that's OK. Maybe some fantasies are only supposed to live in our dreams.

E04 “What I am”

At some point during surgical residency, most interns get a sense of who they are as doctors, and the kind of surgeons they're going to become If you ask them they'll tell you. They're going to be General surgeons. Orthopedic surgeons. Neurosurgeons. Distinctions that do more than describe their areas of expertise. They help define who they are. Because Outside the operating room, not only do most surgeons have no clue who they are, they're afraid to find out.

E05 “Oh, the guilt”

First, do no harm. As doctors we pledge to live by this oath. But harm happens. Then guilt happens, and there's no oath for how to deal with that.

First, do no harm. Easier said than done. We can take all the oaths in the world but the fact is... most of us do harm all the time.

Sometimes even when we're trying to help, we do more harm than good. And then the guilt rears its ugly head. What you do with that guilt is entirely up to you. We're left with a choice... Either you can let guilt thrown you back into the behavior that got you in trouble in the first place, or learn from the guilt, and do your best to move on.

E06 “Let the angels commit”

To make it... really make it as a surgeon, it takes major commitment. We have to be willing to pick up that scalpel that may or may not do more damage than good. It's all about being committed. Cause if we're not, we have no business picking up that scalpel in the first place.

There are times when even the best of us have trouble with commitment, and we may be surprised at the commitments we're willing to let slip out of our grasp. Commitments are complicated. We may surprise ourselves by the commitments we're willing to make. True commitment, takes effort, and sacrifice. Which is why sometimes, we have to learn the hard way, to choose our commitments very carefully.

E07 “Where the boys are”

As surgeons we're trained to look for disease. Sometimes, the disease is easily detected. Most of the time, we need to go step by step. First, probing the surface, looking for any sign of trouble. A mole or a lesion, or an unwelcome lump. Most of the time, we can't tell what's wrong with somebody just by looking at them. After all, they can look perfectly fine on the outside, while their insides tell us a whole different story.

Not all wounds are superficial. Most wounds run deeper than imagined. You can't see them with the naked eye. And then there are the wounds that take us by surprise. The trick to any wound or disease is to dig down deep and find the real source of the injury. And once you've found it... try like hell to heal that sucker.

E08 “staring at the sun”

Many people don't know that the human eye has a blind spot in its field of vision. There's a part of the world that we are literally blind to. The problem is, sometimes our blind spots shield us from things that really shouldn't be ignored. Sometimes our blind spots keep our lives bright and shiny.

When it comes to our blind spots, maybe our brains aren't compensating. Maybe they're protecting us.

E09 “From a whisper to a scream”

As doctors, we know everybody's secrets. Their medical histories, sexual histories, confidential information that is as essential to a surgeon as a 10-blade. And every bit as dangerous. We keep secrets. We have to. But not all secrets can be kept.

In some ways, betrayal is inevitable. When our bodies betray us, surgery is often the key to recovery. When we betray each other, the path to recovery is less clear. We do whatever it takes to rebuild the trust. And then there are some wounds that are so deep, so profound, that there's no way to repair what was lost. And when that happens, there's nothing left to do but wait.

E10 “Don’t stand so close to me”

At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance, and pretend not to care about each other...it's usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to. and once we've chosen those people we tend to stick close by. no matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping.

E13 “Great Expectations”

No one believes their life will turn out just kind of ok. We all think we're going to be great. And from the day we decide to become surgeons, we are filled with expectation. Expectations of the trails we will blaze, the people we will help, the difference we will make. Great expectations of who we will be, where we will go, and then we get there.

We all think we're going to be great. And we feel robbed when our expectations aren't met. But sometimes our expectations sell us short. Sometimes, the expected pales in comparison to the unexpected. You gotta wonder why we cling to our expectations, because the unexpected is just what keeps us steady...standing...still. The expected is just the beginning. The unexpected is what changes our lives.

E14 “wishing and hoping”

As surgeons we live in a world of worst-case scenarios. We cut ourselves off from hoping for the best because too many times the best doesn't happen. But every now and then something extraordinary occurs ... ...and suddenly best-case scenarios seem possible. And every now and then...something amazing happens. And against our better judgment, we start to have hope.

As doctors, we're trained to give our patients just the facts. But what are patients really want to know is. Will the pain ever go away? Will I feel better? Am I cured? What are patients really want to know is... ...is their hope. But inevitably there are times when you find yourself in the worst-case scenario. When the patient's body has betrayed them and all the science we have to offer has failed them. When the worst-case scenario comes true, clinging to hope is all we have left.

E15 “ walk on water”

Disappearances happen in science, disease can suddenly fade away. Tumors go missing. We open someone up to discover the cancer is gone. It's unexplained, it's rare, bit it happens. We call it misdiagnosis say we never saw it, any explanation but the truth. That life is full of vanishing acts. If something that we didn't know we had disappears, do we miss it?

E16 “drowning on dry land”

Like I said disappearances happen. Pains go phantom, blood stops running, and people fade away. There's more I have to say. So much more. But I've disappeared.

E17 “some kind of miracle”

There are medical miracles. Being worshippers at the alters of science we don't like to believe miracles exist, but they do. Things happen...we can't explain them, we can't control them, but they do happen. Miracles do happen in medicine. They happen every day just not always when we need them to happen.

At the end of a day like this, a day when so many prayers are answered and so many aren't... We take our miracles where we find them. We reach across the gap and sometimes against all odds, against all logic, we touch.

E18 “scars and souvenirs”

People have scars in all sorts of unexpected places. Like secret roadmaps of their personal histories... ...diagrams of all their old wounds. Most of our old wounds heal leaving nothing behind but a scar, but some of them don't. Some wounds we carry with us everywhere... ...and though the cuts long gone... ...the pain still lingers.

What's worse, new wounds which are so horribly painful... :...or old wounds that should have healed years ago and never did. Maybe our old wounds teach us something... ...they remind us of where we've been and what we've overcome. They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That's what we like to think. But that's not the way it is, is it? Something's we just have to learn over and over and over again.

E19 “my favorite mistake”

Surgeons always have a plan, where to cut, where to clamp, where to stitch. But even with the best plans, complications can arise, things can arise and suddenly you're caught with your pants down.

The thing about plans is...they don't take into account the unexpected. So, when we're thrown a curve ball, whether it's in the OR, or in life. We have to improvise. Of course, some of us are better at it than others. Some of us just have to move on to Plan B and make the best of it. And sometimes... ...what we want... ...is exactly... ...what we need. But sometimes... Sometimes what we need is a new plan.

E20 “time after time”

A patient's history is as important as their symptoms. It's what helps us decide if heartburn's a heart attack, if a headache's a tumor. Sometimes patients will try to rewrite their own histories. They'll claim they don't smoke or forget to mention certain drugs, which in surgery can be the kiss of death. We can ignore it all we want. But our history, eventually, always comes back to haunt us.

Some people believe that without history our lives amount to nothing. At some point we all have to choose. Do we fall back on what we know... Or do we step forward to something new. It's hard not to be haunted by our past. Our history is what shapes us, what guides us. Our history resurfaces time after time after time. So we have to remember sometimes the most important history is the history we're making today.

E21 “Desire”

As interns we know what we want...to become surgeons. And will do anything to get there... Suffer through killer exams, endure 100-hour weeks, stand for hours on end operating rooms. You name it we'll do it. The tough part though is reconciling this huge thing we want, to be surgeons, with everything else we want.

To often, the thing you want most is the one thing you can't have. Desire leaves us heartbroken; it wears us out. Desire can wreck your life. But as tough as wanting something can be...(Addison pauses in front of the hospital)...the people who suffer the most are those who don't know what they want.

E22 “The other side of the life”

The dream is this: that we'll finally be happy when we reach our goals... ...find the guy, finish our internship. That's the dream; then we get there and if we're human, we immediately start dreaming of something else. Because if this is the dream then we'd like to wake up... ...now please.

At some point, maybe we accept that the dream has become a nightmare. We tell ourselves the reality is better. We convince ourselves it's better that we never dream at all. But the strongest of us, the most determined of us, we hold on to the dream. Or we find ourselves faced with a fresh dream we never considered. We awake to find ourselves...Against all odds...Feeling hopeful. And if we're lucky, we realize...In the face of everything, in the face of life...The true dream...Is being able to dream at all.

E23 “Testing”

A surgeon's education never ends. Every patient, every symptom, every operation...is a test, a chance for us to demonstrate how much we know...and how much more we have to learn.